I just realized that I haven't blogged for almost 2 months. Where has the time gone? I can say that I am doing so much better weight loss wise. I have gotten a great routine going and am sticking to it. I do dance 3 times a week and try to go to the gym 5 days a week. I am now down 89.7 pounds. im almost to my goal of 100 pounds lost. We shall see how well that goes after thanksgiving dinner. going to the gym a ton this week and all the way up until christmas. My goal is the total 100 by January 5th which is my anniversary date.
We shall see. I am going back to being white flour free after thanksgiving. I know that it helped me lose.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
oh LIFE
There are so many contributing factors to life isn't there?
We all go through our day to day lives and we learn and grow.
I am starting to feel as though I have my fire back!
I have gotten my crazy eating under control and am
ready to keep losing!
Isn't that so fun, LOSING?
This has to be the only time when losing something
is completely positive!
We all go through our day to day lives and we learn and grow.
I am starting to feel as though I have my fire back!
I have gotten my crazy eating under control and am
ready to keep losing!
Isn't that so fun, LOSING?
This has to be the only time when losing something
is completely positive!
Thursday, September 6, 2012
a fresh new look
Hello Blog Land!
It has been a while since I have posted a new entry.
I have had to rethink my goals and get a fresh start.
I have gotten a bit distracted. Now, its time to move
forward and look forward to losing that 25 pounds I
want gone before Jan 9th.
I believe it is important to set realistic goals.
I am sure that I might lose more then that but I am
keeping my goal at 25 pounds. I want to move into a
new hundredths place but thats a few more pounds then
25, its actually 36. So there, thats my goal.
Lose 36 pounds by January 9th. 1
I have begun a new exercise routine that I will be starting
as of saturday.
I am going to kick it up and change the way I am eating.
I know that I haven't been drinking enough water.
so, in 17 weeks I want to lose 36 pounds, which is just about
2 pounds a week. Hoping that I don't blow it at thanksgiving
and christmas, I will be right on track.
I need to get my fire back. I lost it just a bit over the summer and
its a time for no excuses.
To the future!!
It has been a while since I have posted a new entry.
I have had to rethink my goals and get a fresh start.
I have gotten a bit distracted. Now, its time to move
forward and look forward to losing that 25 pounds I
want gone before Jan 9th.
I believe it is important to set realistic goals.
I am sure that I might lose more then that but I am
keeping my goal at 25 pounds. I want to move into a
new hundredths place but thats a few more pounds then
25, its actually 36. So there, thats my goal.
Lose 36 pounds by January 9th. 1
I have begun a new exercise routine that I will be starting
as of saturday.
I am going to kick it up and change the way I am eating.
I know that I haven't been drinking enough water.
so, in 17 weeks I want to lose 36 pounds, which is just about
2 pounds a week. Hoping that I don't blow it at thanksgiving
and christmas, I will be right on track.
I need to get my fire back. I lost it just a bit over the summer and
its a time for no excuses.
To the future!!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
no catchy title....
boy, does the devil know how to get at me or what?
Ever since I have taken a volunteer position at the PRC in SB I have been spiritually attacked on every front. I haven't been attacked like this in a while, so I guess it is about time for attacking.
There are a few areas that I feel I am being completely attacked in. With my weight loss, in my personal/love life (which, lets be honest isn't as full of love as it would seem) and in my attitude.
I have been feeling overly cranky the last couple of days. I feel like it is a combo of lack of sleep, and also just a complete disregard for smoothness in my life. It also feels like this is a cry from God for my attention. I have been putting everything else in front of my relationship with GOd. I haven't been spending enough time with him and I know that.
Tonight at 5th wednesday, we prayed for healing. During the song "you hold me know" I became overly emotional. It would seem that it is normal, as it is almost a year since my dad died and I am thinking about him more and more each day. We played that song at his funeral and the words are so true, "No weeping, no hurt or pain, no suffering, you hold me know." As much as I know that my dad and mom aren't in any more pain, it is still hard to live life without them. I miss talking to my dad so much. He always listened to my crazy and would just smile and nod. I know that all of these things happened for a reason. I know that my dad needed to be healed and this is how God chose to heal him.
That was actually one of the things I wrote on my "what I want to see God do in 2012" little did I know that it meant losing him. Even though I see a counselor about all the many things that effect my life, it just seems like this time around, losing my dad has had more of a major effect on my life then it did when I lost my mom. I miss my mom more and more everyday, however there is a permanent ache in my heart for my dad. I spent more time with him and so the hurt is deeper. I have such a blessed and amazing life. I have a family that loves me. I have some of the best friends in the world. I get to go to school and achieve my dreams. God placed me in one fantastic church with believers that support and pray for me regularly. I have a talent that most people wish they had (this has been a phrase I have heard more and more recently) It would seem that in my life, I wouldn't have anything to complain about. I definitely don't. it could be much worse I'm sure. There are just tragedies that I feel could have been left out. My jealousy gets pretty ugly when I think about my friends and the relationships they have with their parents and I think, "geeze, wouldn't that be nice" Word of advice, don't take your parents for granted. Even if they suck. At least they are there.
I am going to sleep.
The devil thinks hes gonna win this one, he is sadly mistaken.
Ever since I have taken a volunteer position at the PRC in SB I have been spiritually attacked on every front. I haven't been attacked like this in a while, so I guess it is about time for attacking.
There are a few areas that I feel I am being completely attacked in. With my weight loss, in my personal/love life (which, lets be honest isn't as full of love as it would seem) and in my attitude.
I have been feeling overly cranky the last couple of days. I feel like it is a combo of lack of sleep, and also just a complete disregard for smoothness in my life. It also feels like this is a cry from God for my attention. I have been putting everything else in front of my relationship with GOd. I haven't been spending enough time with him and I know that.
Tonight at 5th wednesday, we prayed for healing. During the song "you hold me know" I became overly emotional. It would seem that it is normal, as it is almost a year since my dad died and I am thinking about him more and more each day. We played that song at his funeral and the words are so true, "No weeping, no hurt or pain, no suffering, you hold me know." As much as I know that my dad and mom aren't in any more pain, it is still hard to live life without them. I miss talking to my dad so much. He always listened to my crazy and would just smile and nod. I know that all of these things happened for a reason. I know that my dad needed to be healed and this is how God chose to heal him.
That was actually one of the things I wrote on my "what I want to see God do in 2012" little did I know that it meant losing him. Even though I see a counselor about all the many things that effect my life, it just seems like this time around, losing my dad has had more of a major effect on my life then it did when I lost my mom. I miss my mom more and more everyday, however there is a permanent ache in my heart for my dad. I spent more time with him and so the hurt is deeper. I have such a blessed and amazing life. I have a family that loves me. I have some of the best friends in the world. I get to go to school and achieve my dreams. God placed me in one fantastic church with believers that support and pray for me regularly. I have a talent that most people wish they had (this has been a phrase I have heard more and more recently) It would seem that in my life, I wouldn't have anything to complain about. I definitely don't. it could be much worse I'm sure. There are just tragedies that I feel could have been left out. My jealousy gets pretty ugly when I think about my friends and the relationships they have with their parents and I think, "geeze, wouldn't that be nice" Word of advice, don't take your parents for granted. Even if they suck. At least they are there.
I am going to sleep.
The devil thinks hes gonna win this one, he is sadly mistaken.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
emotions are high these days.... still i press on.
This is the last day of my vacation. I am kinda bummed. I have loved getting to be away from all the stress that will be waiting for me when I get back and just sit and think and enjoy silence. I have loved spending time with Matthew and our many little adventures, however I am beginning to miss home.
After talking with Sharon yesterday and getting to see Max for a few mins via facetime, I begun to miss home so much more.
It seems like in the next few weeks our lives are going to be spun out of control. I am deal with these types of events, when Im home, I feel helpless right now being so far away.
It really hit me this morning that my dad is gone. I know that may sound silly, however it has really been in the front of my mind the last few days. I can't stop crying. I guess there is one benefit of being in a starbucks Im not familiar with in that I can cry in the corner and not have to explain it to anyone.
There are so many things that are flooding to my brain right now. Funny thing about being a psychology student, you know what brings all these memories to the forefront. Emotions are such a part of weight loss that you don't think about until you know that, in fact, the stress is not healthy, on the whole, or for any part of weight loss.
lately I have been asking myself a lot of why questions. Not just because I want an answer, because I want to understand the purpose for all of these things and the reasons they are happening. i feel as though I am in a standstill. Almost like running on a tredmill and not going anywhere, no matter how much effort I push forward, I am in the same place.
My head is scattered. I need some air.
going to take a walk and figure it out, maybe cry some more.
After talking with Sharon yesterday and getting to see Max for a few mins via facetime, I begun to miss home so much more.
It seems like in the next few weeks our lives are going to be spun out of control. I am deal with these types of events, when Im home, I feel helpless right now being so far away.
It really hit me this morning that my dad is gone. I know that may sound silly, however it has really been in the front of my mind the last few days. I can't stop crying. I guess there is one benefit of being in a starbucks Im not familiar with in that I can cry in the corner and not have to explain it to anyone.
There are so many things that are flooding to my brain right now. Funny thing about being a psychology student, you know what brings all these memories to the forefront. Emotions are such a part of weight loss that you don't think about until you know that, in fact, the stress is not healthy, on the whole, or for any part of weight loss.
lately I have been asking myself a lot of why questions. Not just because I want an answer, because I want to understand the purpose for all of these things and the reasons they are happening. i feel as though I am in a standstill. Almost like running on a tredmill and not going anywhere, no matter how much effort I push forward, I am in the same place.
My head is scattered. I need some air.
going to take a walk and figure it out, maybe cry some more.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
this new chapter.....its a good one.
It seems like my life is ever changing.
It's almost been a year since my dad's been gone and now close to 13years since my mom passed away.
thats a very long time. While sitting at a birthday party yesterday and talking to some of my amazing friends, i realized that there are reasons for everything. Why didn't I realize this sooner? I am a psychology student, this is the stuff I read about and deal with EVERYDAY. Of course there is a trigger for my weight and bad eating habits!!
Why has it taken me this long to figure this out?
Time for some reflection.
My mom was an amazing cook. Most people where blessed by her cooking. It was how we survived. she could make anything from nothing. She would cook dinner for anyone that would eat. my parents always said, "if you leave hungry, thats your fault" there was always food in our house. We were rather poor growing up and my mom did the best she could, without any type of assistance from the government. My dad worked hard to support us. With help from my family, we got by. When we started going to Centerpoint, my mom started cooking dinners for the "CFB essentials" class. She made dinner once a week at church. It was great, and as anyone knows,"Baptists love to eat!" I was always told to finish what was on my plate and i would, even if i was full. This was our rule. so I obeyed. Looking back on my life as a pre-teen and teenager, I had several different types of, what psychology would count as an eating disorder. I knew that I was gaining weight, and I also loved to eat and once my mom passed away, all i did to fill the emptiness was eat. It started with binge eating and then starving myself because I ate so much the day before. I would pick at food when I was around my friends and then gorge when I got home. i was comfortable around my family and so I ate with them and was happy. then i did the "salad only" diet. Only eating salads. I ate salad twice a day and then the rest of the time filled my body with diet coke, its diet right? so it has to be healthy? That is a no. I noticed that my clothes were loose again so I must have been doing something right, boy was i mistaken. When i got into high school i joined choir and theater and was so busy during the day that I eventually ended up on the "ham sandwich and cereal diet" where I ate cereal before school, didn't eat at school and would have a ham sandwich when i got home around 10pm depending on what rehearsal I was getting out of. This seemed to be effective as I was losing weight, but not in the right way. When you're 17 you don't think about health, you want to be thin, not healthy. thats for old ladies. I began to maintain my weight with these different techniques I had taught myself. it made sense the the 17 year old me, that if you eat, you get fat, so don't eat and you won't be fat. Live on diet coke and salad and everything will be fine..... that was such a lie. The biggest Lie i have ever believed. As I got older, I realized that I needed to do something, but didn't know what to do. I would work out for a few days and then give up. it was a vicious cycle. When I started working 7 days a week, I was so tired that i didn't have time to eat. i would grab something fast and that was it. I worked/slept/and ate. i worked so much that I started to drop weight from just the stress of work and not sleeping. I didn't mind. I worked at camp so i was walking around the camp up hills and running around the kitchen for 8 hours a day that gaining weight didn't seem to be a problem for me then. i didn't really loose very much, but I was "happy" so it was ok. after working at camp and just working with Max it was the same cycle. didn't eat till the end of the day and i would just pile on the food till I wanted to puke. I had the worst heart burn every night and told my dad i thought i was dying. it was horrible. I didn't know that eating so late, right before bed was doing that to me. It didn't seem to stop me though. I still did that, night after night. it got so bad that the acid started to eat away at my vocal cords. I went through a period where i has such traumatic vocal stress that I lost my voice for almost 3 months. i didn't tell anyone at the time that was what happened but it was. After going to the dr, he told me to stop eating late and I had to do and take all these things to make my voice heal... and it was disgusting and such a process. It was so embarrassing that I just told everyone i had a sever cold and was on meds.... it was sorta true. when I finally got better I didn't eat late for a long time... then my dad died. All of that changed. i didn't do the same things like when my mom died, now i was older and able to buy alcohol. That seemed to make everything better. Well, wouldn't you know that late night drinking will cause you to have heartburn?? it does! geeze, I was right back where i was, Vocal stressed caused by heartburn. Again, i didn't tell anyone. i knew what it was, having just faced it the year before. I didn't want to have to tell anyone that i was grieving by drinking and that i caused the same problem I had before, just with booze this time and not food. Now, you might be thinking, she seems pretty open? not when i don't want anyone to tell me to do something that isn't good for me. I kept that a huge secret. that time in my life has now long passed. I got help and have new ways to deal with grief in my life, or any other type of stressful situation really.
Knowing these triggers have now helped me to understand why my behaviors are the way they are. it's no surprise that going through what I have can do this to a person.
more later....
It's almost been a year since my dad's been gone and now close to 13years since my mom passed away.
thats a very long time. While sitting at a birthday party yesterday and talking to some of my amazing friends, i realized that there are reasons for everything. Why didn't I realize this sooner? I am a psychology student, this is the stuff I read about and deal with EVERYDAY. Of course there is a trigger for my weight and bad eating habits!!
Why has it taken me this long to figure this out?
Time for some reflection.
My mom was an amazing cook. Most people where blessed by her cooking. It was how we survived. she could make anything from nothing. She would cook dinner for anyone that would eat. my parents always said, "if you leave hungry, thats your fault" there was always food in our house. We were rather poor growing up and my mom did the best she could, without any type of assistance from the government. My dad worked hard to support us. With help from my family, we got by. When we started going to Centerpoint, my mom started cooking dinners for the "CFB essentials" class. She made dinner once a week at church. It was great, and as anyone knows,"Baptists love to eat!" I was always told to finish what was on my plate and i would, even if i was full. This was our rule. so I obeyed. Looking back on my life as a pre-teen and teenager, I had several different types of, what psychology would count as an eating disorder. I knew that I was gaining weight, and I also loved to eat and once my mom passed away, all i did to fill the emptiness was eat. It started with binge eating and then starving myself because I ate so much the day before. I would pick at food when I was around my friends and then gorge when I got home. i was comfortable around my family and so I ate with them and was happy. then i did the "salad only" diet. Only eating salads. I ate salad twice a day and then the rest of the time filled my body with diet coke, its diet right? so it has to be healthy? That is a no. I noticed that my clothes were loose again so I must have been doing something right, boy was i mistaken. When i got into high school i joined choir and theater and was so busy during the day that I eventually ended up on the "ham sandwich and cereal diet" where I ate cereal before school, didn't eat at school and would have a ham sandwich when i got home around 10pm depending on what rehearsal I was getting out of. This seemed to be effective as I was losing weight, but not in the right way. When you're 17 you don't think about health, you want to be thin, not healthy. thats for old ladies. I began to maintain my weight with these different techniques I had taught myself. it made sense the the 17 year old me, that if you eat, you get fat, so don't eat and you won't be fat. Live on diet coke and salad and everything will be fine..... that was such a lie. The biggest Lie i have ever believed. As I got older, I realized that I needed to do something, but didn't know what to do. I would work out for a few days and then give up. it was a vicious cycle. When I started working 7 days a week, I was so tired that i didn't have time to eat. i would grab something fast and that was it. I worked/slept/and ate. i worked so much that I started to drop weight from just the stress of work and not sleeping. I didn't mind. I worked at camp so i was walking around the camp up hills and running around the kitchen for 8 hours a day that gaining weight didn't seem to be a problem for me then. i didn't really loose very much, but I was "happy" so it was ok. after working at camp and just working with Max it was the same cycle. didn't eat till the end of the day and i would just pile on the food till I wanted to puke. I had the worst heart burn every night and told my dad i thought i was dying. it was horrible. I didn't know that eating so late, right before bed was doing that to me. It didn't seem to stop me though. I still did that, night after night. it got so bad that the acid started to eat away at my vocal cords. I went through a period where i has such traumatic vocal stress that I lost my voice for almost 3 months. i didn't tell anyone at the time that was what happened but it was. After going to the dr, he told me to stop eating late and I had to do and take all these things to make my voice heal... and it was disgusting and such a process. It was so embarrassing that I just told everyone i had a sever cold and was on meds.... it was sorta true. when I finally got better I didn't eat late for a long time... then my dad died. All of that changed. i didn't do the same things like when my mom died, now i was older and able to buy alcohol. That seemed to make everything better. Well, wouldn't you know that late night drinking will cause you to have heartburn?? it does! geeze, I was right back where i was, Vocal stressed caused by heartburn. Again, i didn't tell anyone. i knew what it was, having just faced it the year before. I didn't want to have to tell anyone that i was grieving by drinking and that i caused the same problem I had before, just with booze this time and not food. Now, you might be thinking, she seems pretty open? not when i don't want anyone to tell me to do something that isn't good for me. I kept that a huge secret. that time in my life has now long passed. I got help and have new ways to deal with grief in my life, or any other type of stressful situation really.
Knowing these triggers have now helped me to understand why my behaviors are the way they are. it's no surprise that going through what I have can do this to a person.
more later....
Saturday, July 28, 2012
vacations..... ugh
well i have been on a sorta vacation for the past week now. House sitting for friends and it's been wonderful. I do miss my babies and my own bed, however the distracts from my own apartment haven't been missed at much. I have to ability to sit in silence and just relax. The current house Im sitting for has a swing on the front porch. it is so relaxing. It has been nice to sit and swing and relax without any distractions. I just need some lemonade.
I will be leaving for seattle on tuesday!!! I get to see Matthew and spend 8 days away from the heat, even though it hasn't been that hot the last few days. This past year has really been one for the record books. So many different changes, not just including my weight loss, although that has been a huge part of it. Between getting my health and fitness under control as well as finishing up school, working a ton, and volunteering at church my days are rather busy. The one constant in that is the new disciplines I have discovered with eating and exercise. Making daily workouts a major part of my routine has been rather important. it keeps me centered.
I got some new pants from a friend and I felt like I had gained a few pounds over the last week even though i have been away from my scale I still feel like i might be up a few after our adventures and eating not the greatest. i did need to take a break for a week or so to just relax and let my body recoup!
I will be leaving for seattle on tuesday!!! I get to see Matthew and spend 8 days away from the heat, even though it hasn't been that hot the last few days. This past year has really been one for the record books. So many different changes, not just including my weight loss, although that has been a huge part of it. Between getting my health and fitness under control as well as finishing up school, working a ton, and volunteering at church my days are rather busy. The one constant in that is the new disciplines I have discovered with eating and exercise. Making daily workouts a major part of my routine has been rather important. it keeps me centered.
I got some new pants from a friend and I felt like I had gained a few pounds over the last week even though i have been away from my scale I still feel like i might be up a few after our adventures and eating not the greatest. i did need to take a break for a week or so to just relax and let my body recoup!
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