Thursday, August 30, 2012

no catchy title....

boy, does the devil know how to get at me or what?

         Ever since I have taken a volunteer position at the PRC in SB I have been spiritually attacked on every front. I haven't been attacked like this in a while, so I guess it is about time for attacking.
There are a few areas that I feel I am being completely attacked in. With my weight loss, in my personal/love life (which, lets be honest isn't as full of love as it would seem) and in my attitude.
I have been feeling overly cranky the last couple of days. I feel like it is a combo of lack of sleep, and also just a complete disregard for smoothness in my life. It also feels like this is a cry from God for my attention. I have been putting everything else in front of my relationship with GOd. I haven't been spending enough time with him and I know that.

         Tonight at 5th wednesday, we prayed for healing. During the song "you hold me know" I became overly emotional. It would seem that it is normal, as it is almost a year since my dad died and I am thinking about him more and more each day. We played that song at his funeral and the words are so true, "No weeping, no hurt or pain, no suffering, you hold me know." As much as I know that my dad and mom aren't in any more pain, it is still hard to live life without them. I miss talking to my dad so much. He always listened to my crazy and would just smile and nod. I know that all of these things happened for a reason. I know that my dad needed to be healed and this is how God chose to heal him.
That was actually one of the things I wrote on my "what I want to see God do in 2012" little did I know that it meant losing him. Even though I see a counselor about all the many things that effect my life, it just seems like this time around, losing my dad has had more of a major effect on my life then it did when I lost my mom. I miss my mom more and more everyday, however there is a permanent ache in my heart for my dad. I spent more time with him and so the hurt is deeper. I have such a blessed and amazing life. I have a family that loves me. I have some of the best friends in the world. I get to go to school and achieve my dreams. God placed me in one fantastic church with believers that support and pray for me regularly. I have a talent that most people wish they had (this has been a phrase I have heard more and more recently) It would seem that in my life, I wouldn't have anything to complain about. I definitely don't. it could be much worse I'm sure. There are just tragedies that I feel could have been left out. My jealousy gets pretty ugly when I think about my friends and the relationships they have with their parents and I think, "geeze, wouldn't that be nice" Word of advice, don't take your parents for granted. Even if they suck. At least they are there.

       I am going to sleep.

The devil thinks hes gonna win this one, he is sadly mistaken.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

emotions are high these days.... still i press on.

This is the last day of my vacation. I am kinda bummed. I have loved getting to be away from all the stress that will be waiting for me when I get back and just sit and think and enjoy silence. I have loved spending time with Matthew and our many little adventures, however I am beginning to miss home.

After talking with Sharon yesterday and getting to see Max for a few mins via facetime, I begun to miss home so much more.

It seems like in the next few weeks our lives are going to be spun out of control. I am deal with these types of events, when Im home, I feel helpless right now being so far away.

It really hit me this morning that my dad is gone. I know that may sound silly, however it has really been in the front of my mind the last few days. I can't stop crying. I guess there is one benefit of being in a starbucks Im not familiar with in that I can cry in the corner and not have to explain it to anyone.

There are so many things that are flooding to my brain right now. Funny thing about being a psychology student, you know what brings all these memories to the forefront. Emotions are such a part of weight loss that you don't think about until you know that, in fact, the stress is not healthy, on the whole, or for any part of weight loss.

lately I have been asking myself a lot of why questions. Not just because I want an answer, because I want to understand the purpose for all of these things and the reasons they are happening. i feel as though I am in a standstill. Almost like running on a tredmill and not going anywhere, no matter how much effort I push forward, I am in the same place.

My head is scattered. I need some air.
going to take a walk and figure it out, maybe cry some more.