this new chapter.....its a good one.

It seems like my life is ever changing.

It's almost been a year since my dad's been gone and now close to 13years since my mom passed away.

thats a very long time. While sitting at a birthday party yesterday and talking to some of my amazing friends, i realized that there are reasons for everything. Why didn't I realize this sooner? I am a psychology student, this is the stuff I read about and deal with EVERYDAY. Of course there is a trigger for my weight and bad eating habits!!
Why has it taken me this long to figure this out?


Time for some reflection.
          My mom was an amazing cook. Most people where blessed by her cooking. It was how we survived. she could make anything from nothing. She would cook dinner for anyone that would eat. my parents always said, "if you leave hungry, thats your fault" there was always food in our house. We were rather poor growing up and my mom did the best she could, without any type of assistance from the government. My dad worked hard to support us. With help from my family, we got by. When we started going to Centerpoint, my mom started cooking dinners for the "CFB essentials" class. She made dinner once a week at church. It was great, and as anyone knows,"Baptists love to eat!" I was always told to finish what was on my plate and i would, even if i was full. This was our rule. so I obeyed. Looking back on my life as a pre-teen and teenager, I had several different types of, what psychology would count as an eating disorder. I knew that I was gaining weight, and I also loved to eat and once my mom passed away, all i did to fill the emptiness was eat.  It started with binge eating and then starving myself because I ate so much the day before. I would pick at food when I was around my friends and then gorge when I got home. i was comfortable around my family and so I ate with them and was happy. then i did the "salad only" diet. Only eating salads. I ate salad twice a day and then the rest of the time filled my body with diet coke, its diet right? so it has to be healthy? That is a no. I noticed that my clothes were loose again so I must have been doing something right, boy was i mistaken. When i got into high school i joined choir and theater and was so busy during the day that I eventually ended up on the "ham sandwich and cereal diet" where I ate cereal before school, didn't eat at school and would have a ham sandwich when i got home around 10pm depending on what rehearsal I was getting out of. This seemed to be effective as I was losing weight, but not in the right way. When you're 17 you don't think about health, you want to be thin, not healthy. thats for old ladies. I began to maintain my weight with these different techniques I had taught myself. it made sense the the 17 year old me, that if you eat, you get fat, so don't eat and you won't be fat. Live on diet coke and salad and everything will be fine..... that was such a lie. The biggest Lie i have ever believed. As I got older, I realized that I needed to do something, but didn't know what to do. I would work out for a few days and then give up. it was a vicious cycle. When I started working 7 days a week, I was so tired that i didn't have time to eat. i would grab something fast and that was it. I worked/slept/and ate. i worked so much that I started to drop weight from just the stress of work and not sleeping. I didn't mind. I worked at camp so i was walking around the camp up hills and running around the kitchen for 8 hours a day that gaining weight didn't seem to be a problem for me then. i didn't really loose very much, but I was "happy" so it was ok. after working at camp and just working with Max it was the same cycle. didn't eat till the end of the day and i would just pile on the food till I wanted to puke. I had the worst heart burn every night and told my dad i thought i was dying. it was horrible. I didn't know that eating so late, right before bed was doing that to me. It didn't seem to stop me though. I still did that, night after night. it got so bad that the acid started to eat away at my vocal cords. I went through a period where i has such traumatic vocal stress that I lost my voice for almost 3 months. i didn't tell anyone at the time that was what happened but it was. After going to the dr, he told me to stop eating late and I had to do and take all these things to make my voice heal... and it was disgusting and such a process. It was so embarrassing that I just told everyone i had a sever cold and was on meds.... it was sorta true. when I finally got better I didn't eat late for a long time... then my dad died. All of that changed. i didn't do the same things like when my mom died, now i was older and able to buy alcohol. That seemed to make everything better. Well, wouldn't you know that late night drinking will cause you to have heartburn?? it does! geeze, I was right back where i was, Vocal stressed caused by heartburn. Again, i didn't tell anyone. i knew what it was, having just faced it the year before. I didn't want to have to tell anyone that i was grieving by drinking and that i caused the same problem I had before, just with booze this time and not food. Now, you might be thinking, she seems pretty open? not when i don't want anyone to tell me to do something that isn't good for me. I kept that a huge secret. that time in my life has now long passed. I got help and have new ways to deal with grief in my life, or any other type of stressful situation really.
Knowing these triggers have now helped me to understand why my behaviors are the way they are. it's no surprise that going through what I have can do this to a person.

more later....

vacations..... ugh

well i have been on a sorta vacation for the past week now. House sitting for friends and it's been wonderful.  I do miss my babies and my own bed, however the distracts from my own apartment haven't been missed at much. I have to ability to sit in silence and just relax. The current house Im sitting for has a swing on the front porch. it is so relaxing. It has been nice to sit and swing and relax without any distractions. I just need some lemonade.

I will be leaving for seattle on tuesday!!! I get to see Matthew and spend 8 days away from the heat, even though it hasn't been that hot the last few days. This past year has really been one for the record books. So many different changes, not just including my weight loss, although that has been a huge part of it. Between getting my health and fitness under control as well as finishing up school, working a ton, and volunteering at church my days are rather busy. The one constant in that is the new disciplines I have discovered with eating and exercise. Making daily workouts a major part of my routine has been rather important. it keeps me centered.

 I got some new pants from a friend and I felt like I had gained a few pounds over the last week even though i have been away from my scale I still feel like i might be up a few after our adventures and eating not the greatest. i did need to take a break for a week or so to just relax and let my body recoup!

perspective!

Had a good, refresher conversation with a friend last night regarding weight loss. It really made me think of all the changes I have made, to just how I approach this whole weight loss journey.

What are the things are most important to me?
My health?
How I look?
What others think about me?
How I see myself over all?

While I like that now I am complimented and I now that others are seeing a change, the fact that I can so tons more now then I could a few months ago is really mind blowing. I never would have been able to hang in a zumba class, or do the intensives for that matter. I would have been so out of breath that even the thought of it would have sent me in to an anxiety attack. I never realized just how embarrassed I was of my weight, and how I didn't, until recently realized the effect it had on me. I am pretty self confident, and am sure of who I am, but this was one area I didn't want to tackle, especially out loud or in public. I have been so lucky to have the people in my life where having a perfect body meant having a friend. I am so grateful that I have real friends, on this journey with me, dealing with the struggles and spurring me on to do my best. I have the best/most supportive friends a girl could ask for. that is really half the battle when conquering weight loss. there needs to be people in your life cheering you on in this race to finish with greatness. That is quite possibly why most people fail. We are meant to be dependent on others and when we don't have someone in our corner, wether it be friends or family, it makes the race that much harder, then it seems as though there are 2 fights to try and win. one usually gives in to the other.
Self image is very important.
How you see yourself, can change everything.

It is all in our perspective.

the future??!??

         Do any of you who are on this weight loss journey with me, or those who have reached your final goal, ever think of what the future will be like? I started thinking about it today. What is my life going to look like when I am not dragging around another persons worth of weight with me wherever I go. I already feel amazing. My heart and lungs are in better shape and each day I inch my way away from being obese. I have very specific goals, most of which revolve around sizes and fitness more then an actual weight number. It isn't about a number for me. right now, watching the scale decrease shows me I'm doing what I need to do. Of course, when the scale doesn't move very much I get a bit discourage, however I know that there are so many things going on in my body, fat melting, muscles growing that I don't focus too much on it.
          I know that most people when they are losing weight don't want to take pictures of themselves out of embarrassment, I get that. I didn't either, I am however glad I did. It has been such a blessing to see how my body is changing and, even though I am not where I want to finish, I am that much closer to the end.
          I have been a bit frustrated that I  have been losing, yet not changing clothing sizes as much as I would like too. It takes time and this whole process has really begun to teach me how to be patient. I have been working so hard that i feel like a nice trade off would be smaller clothes.
         There is a huge sense of pride that comes with losing this much weight. I have always had a pretty good sense of self-esteem, however, my confidence is better then ever. It's even pushing me to do things I would have never thought to do. Dancing is my new thing. I love it! I used to do ballet in high school and when I was younger. I never stuck to it, or much of anything when I was kid, I am sad i didn't keep with it.
        This is what this year is about, getting back to my life and living for me. Taking care of my needs as I have pushed them to the back burner in the past.

so close to 70 pounds.

Today marks my 6 months of this new, life changing journey. I have lost 64.9 pounds, over 20 inches and now 3 pant sizes. 
I still have a lot more to go, but the scale is shifting. I am loving the dance classes I am taking and want to dance all the time. I know that it is building my endurance. I am hoping that the classes I want to take  are available when I have time. I really enjoy them and love having my time to do it. I am starting to actually see myself as a smaller person. I got to buy clothes the other day that were smaller. I have a pair of sweat pants that are an XL and I have a few tank tops that are larges. I can't believe it. It was kinda frustrating to be in a store and being the same size and not being able to buy clothes since i am starting to become the same size as everyone else. Its nice to be smaller, so i guess not being able to buy clothes because they are unavailable will be good for my budget. 


I can't wait to reach my goal. so far I have 180 pounds left to go. Not so bad. It is an entire other person. I have a goal in mind, that isn't a number. I have a size in mind. I am thinking that the smallest I would want to be is like a 10 or 12. it all depends on what my body decides to do really. I was looking at pants at old navy and the 12's looked doable. I don't want to set my self up for failure, however I need something to work for. My next big goal is around my birthday to buy something from forever 21. Went in there the other day and saw a few things i wanted so I'll wait till then to see how far I have gotten to that point. I did get to put on the new shorts I bought and need to fix the buttons.  

Minor road block....ME

I am now 60 less then I was when I started this journey. This is a huge accomplishment for me. This is the first time I have started any type of weight loss program and ACTUALLY stuck with it. These are now habits that I have and am still breaking more that need to be dealt with. 

I am starting to challenge myself and do things I have never done before. Started to take dance classes again as well as zumba and pilates. I feel that the challenge of dancing in front of other people is truly what is going to push me into a greater success in losing weight.  I am hoping that by my birthday i can lose another 20 pounds. I want to be in a 20/22 by then. I have been hovering around the same size for such a long time now and I just want to move onto the next smallest pant size. I have been able to buy smaller clothes which is nice, i just can't seem to get my mid section to shrink! 

I have upped my calories since I hadn't been eating enough and so Im hoping that will help me to kick these pounds!! that and ZUmba! I have the best instructor. She makes it so fun and non-judgy. 

I am a bit a head of schedule when it comes to my goals and I am going to go back over them in a day or two and fine tune them.